Twisted Feather Theater Presents
Touched by a Valkyrie
by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney

	Shinzo picked up the phone, then hesitated. There were a lot 
of places that delivered food in this area, but which one to call? 
The rest of the family was out for the day, thankfully, leaving him 
in relative peace.
	Except there was nothing to eat.
	Finally, he dialed up the Chinese place. The phone rang and 
rang, such that he was about to hang up when it was finally picked 
up on the other end.
	"Now how does this honking thing--" there was a sound of a 
phone clattering to the floor. "Bugger! Times like this I wish I 
still had that hand... Hello? This is the ... er ... Goddess Help 
Line." The voice was gruff and did not sound like any goddess. At 
least not one he'd want to meet.
	"Wha...?"
	"Twonking Norns are all off on the Prime Material. 'Just 
watch the line' Urd says, 'just in case. No one ever calls, but 
just make sure.' Rubbish. I suppose you'll be wanting us to send 
someone 'round."
	"Huh?"
	"Well, the Norns are off somewhere, and Freya's flat-out 
refused after what happened with Verdandi, so it'll be a little 
while. Don't worry, I'll find someone." And with that, the phone 
was hung up.
	Shinzo slowly set down the receiver, and tried to make sense 
out of what he'd just heard. Norns? Urd? Freya? Finally, he pulled 
out the CD-ROM encyclopedia, and did a search for "Norns." The 
article it pulled up said, "Mythology, Norse."
	"Great, some gods from Norway." he muttered.
	Suddenly, a glow came over the wall to his left. Unsure of 
what to make of it, he could only watch. And listen. There were two 
voices; one the man he'd heard before, and the other a woman.
	"You've got to be kidding!" she shouted indignantly. 
"Besides, shouldn't you be watching the Rainbow Bridge or 
something?"
	"That's Hemidall. Odin's orders, anyway."
	"I've had about enough of that jerk! And what the hell are 
the Norns doing anyway?! Don't they have some fates to decide or 
something?!"
	"Yours, for one."
	Suddenly, someone flew through the wall, which immediately 
returned to its usual self.
	She looked to be about his age, and was beautiful in a severe 
sort of way. Her hair was black, and just reached her shoulders. 
Her eyes were ice-blue, and there was a scar on both of her cheeks. 
She wore a gray tunic with chainmail over it, black pants, leather 
boots and gloves. At her side, in a jeweled scabbard, was a 
longsword. She folded her arms across her chest, and leaned against 
the wall.
	"Okay, what do you want?" she demanded.
	Shinzo tried unsuccessfully to form some kind of sentence, 
but only produced incoherent noises.
	She frowned. "You ARE the one who called the Goddess Help 
Line, RIGHT?"
	"Who...?"
	"Varad. A Valkyrie. And if you even mention Macross, I'll 
take pleasure in removing your lungs from your chest."
	"Wha...?"
	"YOU called the help line, so I have to grant you a wish. 
Whatever you want. Just make it quick."
	Shinzo paused, trying to think. This all had to be a dream. 
That was the only explanation. He'd just been overdoing it with the 
anime. Whatever happened, he'd just wake up in the morning. So he 
could with for anything. "I want you to be my girlfriend." He was 
quick to add, "but it'll never happen, right?"
	She looked at him with a mix of rage and terror. "You... 
ASSHOLE!"
	A stream of blue light erupted from her forehead, filling the 
room with azure radiance. All the books, CD cases, and everything 
else in the room rose up and swirled around. After several seconds, 
the light faded, and the objects dropped to the ground.
	Varad dropped to her knees. "Jerks. They approved your wish. 
The Supreme Force was set into action."
	"Huh?"
	She growled in frustration. "Not only do I have to stay here 
with a mortal, but it's a useless one!"
	"Um... sorry."
	Varad jumped to her feet. "SORRY?! You're 'sorry'?! That's 
supposed to make it better or something? The Supreme Force went 
into action! Nothing can interfere with you damn wish now!"
	"I'm not dreaming, am I...?"
	She rested a hand on the hilt of her sword. "When I get my 
hands on Verdandi..." she muttered. "I'm a Valkyrie. This is not 
what I'm here for. I'm supposed to be collecting the souls of 
fallen warriors to be taken to Valhalla. I bet you don't even know 
how to fight, do you Shinzo?"
	He scratched the bacl of his head. "How did you know my 
name?"
	Varad rolled her eyes. "Deific power. you twonk."
	He stood up. "Actually, I know some Judo."
	She looked at him suspiciously. "Judo? What's that? Show me 
this... 'Judo'."
	"Um, I don't know if--"
	"I'm immortal and have over five hundred years of battlefield 
experience. You aren't going to hurt me. I just want to see what 
you can do. I won't even fight back."
	He sighed, took up a fighitng stance, and came at her. He 
grabbed her collar, and managed a throw, despite how heavy she 
seemed to be. Suddenly, she rolled up and threw a kick at his 
midsection. Shinzo fell to the floor. "Ow."
	Varad stopped short. "Oh, sorry! Old habits die hard... 
Shinzo?"
	He wince at the pain, and decided the most prudent course of 
action would be to just lie there. "Oww."
	She laughed nervously. "You're okay, right? I don't know my 
own strength sometimes... I hope I don't get into trouble for 
this..."
	Finally, he gathered the will to stand up. "I-I'll be okay."
	Varad helped him to his feet. "Good. At least you can handle 
a little pain now and then... So, what is this place?"
	"My family's house. In California."
	She looked out the window thoughtfully. "Lotta' belief going 
around, but a lot of it's atheism."
	"Eh?"
	She turned to face him. "You do realize that all the god man 
ever believed in are real. It's just that only Yaweh and the Indian 
Pantheons have any real power right now."
	"Say what?"
	Varad frowned; clearly, she was getting a bit frustrated. 
"Look, I'm a Valkyrie, one of Odin's warrior maidens and all that. 
Odin the All-Father and the other Norse gods are real. I should 
know, since I hang around with them in Asgard. But we're not the 
only ones; there's hundreds of gods around, all over the world. I 
know for a fact that Amaterasu, the Japanese sun goddess is living 
in Santa Clara right now*."
{*Ever heard of Sun Microsystems?}
	Shinzo paused to think about what she'd said. It made sense, 
in a way. Everyone believes in stuff, and it would be sort of ... 
appropriate ... if the overall consensus of beliefs decided how the 
universe would be. Only that would mean there was a lot of 
conflicting stuff out there...
	No wonder life was so confusing.
	"Wow." he said at last. "So there could be gods and monsters 
and stuff all around us..."
	"There are." The voice was not Varad's. It was low and 
menacing.
	The large window beside them blew inward, and a creature, a 
red-skinned ogre dressed in a tiger-striped loincloth, with yellow 
horns on its head, jumped into the room. "What have we here?"
	Varad wasted no time. She threw her self at it, 
simultaneously drawing her sword and lashing out with a kick. She 
and the creature fell out the window, and its back slammed into a 
car -- his sister's car, Shinzo realized -- completely crushing its 
roof. Varad jumped off, landing a few feet away, holding her sword 
ready. "Damn Oni!" she shouted.
	"Foolish Valkyrie! You should've stayed in Valhalla!"
	"I'm here on Odin's orders. What about you?"
	The Oni took up what appeared to be a sumo stance. "The usual 
oni stuff. Glad I ran into you; today was getting boring."
	Varad charged at the ogre, raising her sword high over her 
head to bring it down on his, and letting out a blood-curdling war 
cry as she did so.
	The oni caught the blade between his palms, and twisted 
around, tossing her to the ground. Varad lifted off the ground, 
suddenly supported by wings of metal that had simply materialized 
at her back, but it was too late; the oni slammed into her, 
careening through one wall of the house, and into the dining room.
	She twisted around, kneeing the thing in the stomach and 
slipping out of its grasp. There was a flash of light, and the 
sword appeared in her hands.
	"Nice trick, little Valkyrie, but I have my own!" The oni 
sprang to his feet. "HELLFIRE!"
	A jet of flame shot out from its mouth. Varad held her sword 
in its path, and the flames diverted around her, obliterating the 
family's stereo system.
	Varad grinned. "FINAL WIND!" She pointed her sword at the 
oni, and a torrential wind shot out. The oni was wracked by 
electricity, and finally thrown far and away by the force of the 
winds. "Suits you right." she muttered, sheathing the sword.
	Shinzo looked around, and completely failed to articulate his 
shock. "Wah! My... my parents are going to KILL me!"
	"That's kinda' harsh, isn't it?" She paused, starting to make 
sense of what he'd said. "Oh, you're speaking figuratively." She 
looked around, surveying the aftermath of the battle. "Wow, this 
place is kinda trashed..."
	In the distance, there was the sound of a car.
	"My parents!" cried Shinzo, "What 'm I gonna' do?!"
	Varad shrugged. "Face it like a man?"
	"How will that keep me from getting grounded? And could you 
at least change into something a little less..." he searched for a 
word that was accurate but wouldn't get him smacked, or worse. 
"intimidating."
	"No problem." There was a flash of light, and Varad was 
dressed in a camouflage shirt, brown shorts, and black boots. 
"Better?"
	He managed a nod. This was going to take a lot of getting 
used to.
	A scream rang out, followed by something along the lines of 
"OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY *CAR!?!?!?*"
	Naoko, his younger sister, poked her head in and gasped. 
Varad waved to her.
	"What _happened_?" Naoko breathed.
	Shinzo turned to Varad. "You got me into this," he said, 
barely able to contain his anxiety, "you get me out of this!"
	"She looked back at him. "Um, I could take you to Asgard..."
	"No! Just help me explain why the car and the house are 
wrecked."
	Noriko stood in the hole in the wall, glaring at Shinzo. 
"Shinzo," she said, in a tone that warned of the screaming that was 
likely to follow. "You better have a _damn_ good explanation for 
all this and--" She stopped, blinked, and pointed at Varad. "Who's 
she? Did you actually bring a girl here?"
	Varad stepped forward, and shook Noriko's hand -- a bit more 
vigorously than she was prepared for. "I'm Varad, Shinzo's... 
girlfriend."
	"That's an... unusual name."
	"I'm Norse -- Norwiegan. And you?"
	Noriko looked at Varad and frowned. "Well, can you tell me 
what happened to my poor car?"
	"An oni fell on it." she said simply. "Sorry about that."
	It took Noriko several seconds to realize what Varad had just 
said. "You _WHAT_?"
	"She means--" Shinzo tried to think of something. "It's a 
kind of car, a Mitsubishi Oni! Smacked your Honda--"
	"From the TOP?!"
	"Yeah, I know!" he said nervously, "Damndest thing!"
	"Mom 'n Dad are gonna' be mad." said Naoko.
	The parents in question looked through the gaping hole in the 
wall. "What happened to the stereo?!" demanded his father.
	"The oni blasted it." said Varad simply.
	"And who are you?" asked Shinzo's mother.
	"Shinzo's... girlfriend." she replied, the words seemingly 
force from her lips by some unseen force. "Varad."
	She looked at Varad suspiciously. "How come he's never 
mentioned you before?"
	Varad shrugged. "It's pretty recently that we got together. 
And practiaclly by accident."
	Father surveyed the room, and frowned. "That's all good and 
well, but what about the stereo? And the HOUSE?!"
	"This car..." Shinzo said carefully, "ran into it, then drove 
off."
	"And you didn't call the police?"
	"It happened about five minutes ago!" shouted Varad. 
"Besides, I have a friend who's really good with tools; I bet he 
can fix up this whole mess."
	"For Shinzo's sake, I hope so."

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Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney                     blackbird@blackbird.nu
Blackbird's Domain                        http://www.blackbird.nu/
The Official Thrash Home Page          http://thrash.blackbird.nu/
Knight Kevlar of the Immortal Frog        Silver Knight of Mihoshi
              "Be nice to me; I might just develop 
             psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo!"
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