Interesting Times Part 1 Episodes 1-7 by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney Interesting Times Episode #1: The Celestial Pair vs. The Kitty Cat From Hell [The scene: The interior of the Foster family's van. Bob, the father, is at the driver's seat with Diane, his wife, beside him. Behind them, in the middle seat, is Jeff, and behind him are the twins, Amy and Anne.] Diane: Well, are you all ready to meet this exchange student? Jeff: Sure. Amy: [smiles] I hope he's cute. Anne: We'll have to wait and see. Bob: Well, I understand that this Pao-Gui is very interested in chemistry, and that his English is very good. Apart from that we'll just have to wait until we meet him. [There is a long pause. Amy and Anne exchange glances, then slowly lean forward, each extending her index finger. At once, they poke Jeff from either side. He jumps and spins around, veins bulging in his forehead.] Jeff: CUT THAT OUT!!!!! Diane: Please don't yell Jeff! I know the girls like to tease you, but-- Bob: Well, here we are! [Cut to the interior of the airport. The Foster family stands before gate 42, where flight 2666 is to arrive. Jeff looks at the gate and flight numbers uneasily. Then the plane docks at the gate, and dozens of Chinese people begin pouring out, along with a handful of Westerners. Bob pulls out a sign that reads "PAO-GUI WANG." A moment later a Gosunkugi-ish Chinese youth, burdened by a number of heavy bags, timidly approaches them.] Anne: So much for him being cute. Pao-Gui: Excuse me? Are you the Foster family? Bob: Yes we are! [he puts down the sign and gives an overly hearty handshake] You must be Pao-Gui! Pao-Gui: Um, yes sir. Bob: Please! Call be Bob! Let me introduce you to the family -- [he gestures to each in turn] my wife Diane, my daughters Amy and Anne, and my son Jeff. Pao-Gui: I am pleased to meet you. I am, as you know, Pao- Gui Wang, a student of al-- chemistry. Jeff: [eyes Pao-Gui] Sounds cool. Have many explosions? Pao-Gui: [looks back at him as though accused of something] Me? Um, no, of course not! [Amy and Anne exchange glances. Jeff rolls his eyes.] Bob: Well, let's get you back to the homestead, shall we? [Cut to the interior of the Foster residence. Jeff leads Pao-Gui down the hall.] Jeff: And this is my room, which I get to share with you. [opens door -- the walls and ceiling are COVERED with assorted posters.] There's really only one rule here. Pao-Gui: [sets down bags] What's that? Jeff: See that? [he points at a pair of walls which are all bookshelf, every inch of which is full of comic books. The sheer quantities leaves Pao-Gui dumbstruck.] The one rule is.... DO NOT TOUCH MY COMICS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU DO, I WILL LOSE THE ONE THING THAT ALLOWS ME TO KEEP MY SANITY, AND I WILL DESTROY YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Pao-Gui manages a nod.] Jeff: Okay. Just so you know. Other than that, I don't really care what you do. [points to a bunkbed] You can pick whichever bunk you want. If you need anything else I'll be getting frustrated with various video games downstairs. Pao-Gui: Certainly. Anything you say. [Later on -- Pao-Gui cautiously walks through the dining room.] Bob: Hey there, Pao-Gui! I see Jeff told you about His Rule. [laughs, pats him on the back] You'd be well advised to take him seriously about that, but otherwise Jeff is really a nice guy. Do you need anything? Pao-Gui: Um... Well... I could use a little space for my chemistry set... Bob: Nothing dangerous I hope? Pao-Gui: [looks around nervously] Of course not! Bob: In that case, you can go down in the basement. Have fun! Pao-Gui: Thank you Mr. Fos-- "Bob." Bob: Sure thing! [In the basement, Jeff is busy playing video games. Pao-Gui comes down the stairs, and starts setting up a collection of vials, beakers, strange concoctions, and other stuff worthy of any mad scientist. Also included are a large stack of scrolls and books written in Chinese, many of them very old. Hearing the clinking of glass, Jeff turns around, does a double take, and finally face-faults.] Jeff: Wha-- What is all this stuff? Pao-Gui: It is my... chemistry set? Jeff: And who the hell did you learn chemistry from? Carlo Lombardi? Pao-Gui: You want to know the truth, don't you? Jeff: That would be nice. Pao-Gui: Promise you won't tell? Jeff: [shrugs] Fine. I promise. Pao-Gui: This is not for chemistry, but for alchemy -- I'm learning to be an alchemist like my great grandfather. Jeff: What? Trying to turn lead into gold? Pao-Gui: No; the goal of Chinese alchemy is nothing less than... [dramatically strikes a pose] immortality! Jeff: Okay... Pao-Gui: It's very difficult, and requires the use of many toxic chemicals... [There is a loud meowing and a sound of shattering glass. Pao-Gui looks in horror to find that the cat has just consumed the contents of one of his vials.] Oh no! This is terrible! That potion was nearly ready to be tested! Jeff: What was in it? What the hell is it goint to do to my cat?! Pao-Gui: Let's see... it had cinnabar, distilled water, peach juice... Jeff: Is that all? Pao-Gui: And mercury, lead, arsenic, a little uranium... Jeff: WHAT!?!?!? [The cat's meows begin to become panicked.] Jeff: That'll kill her!!! What the hell kind of immortality potion was that?!?!?!? Pao-Gui: Well, you see to prevent death you have to destroy the death worms and decay spirits that reside in the body... She might not die... Jeff: Then what? I'll have an immortal cat? Pao-Gui: Either that or she'll die later on, or mutate into a horrible monster, or maybe just turn into a kitten again... [The cat begins to hiss and its fur stands on end. It seems to become larger.] Right now, though, I think we'd better go. Fast. [Cut to back upstairs. Amy and Anne are walking through the living room when Jeff and Pao-Gui fly up the stairs, run into the kitchen, and slam the door behind them.] Anne: Geez. They're friends already. Amy: [shrugs; turns to the closed door] What's up with you guys? Jeff: [through door] Let's just say you'd better stay the hell away from Mittens! Anne: Why should we--!? [She stops short as a terrible roar shakes the house.] Amy: What did you guys do to her? Pao-Gui: It's not our fault! She must've drank something she wasn't supposed to! Became a big monster! Anne: [to Amy] Well, you know what that means. Amy: [nods] Let's go! [Each of them produces a pendant; Amy's is a stylized sun while Anne's is a moon. Each holds up their pendants with both hands.] Amy & Anne: Great Celestial Transformation... Begin! [The two of them are seen against a swirly background, like in the transformation sequences on Sailor Moon. Amy is surrounded by bright yellow radiance while Anne is surrounded by paler white light. Both are clothed in outfits consisting of a tunic, skirt, boots, gloves, a tiara, and a naginata. The two of them strike a pose against "The Great Wave At Kanagawa"] Amy: I am Pretty Sun, defender of Love! Anne: And I am Pretty Moon, defender of Justice! Amy & Anne: We will combat evil wherever it appears! [Just then Mittens bursts through the basement door. She is still the same size, but is surrounded by a red aura. When she sees the two of them, her back arches and she charges.] Amy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Amy runs like hell; Mittens chases her. Anne watches this in disbelief. The kitchen door opens, and Jeff and Pao-Gui poke their heads out.] Pao-Gui: [to Jeff, quietly] Who's she? Jeff: [sighs] She... calls herself Pretty Moon. A wannabe superheroine. Anne: I heard that. [turns to face them] Just what the hell happened to Mittens? [Amy runs by again, still pursued by the demonic cat] This is not normal behavior for household pets! Jeff: Well... She... ate something that didn't agree with her... Anne: Like what? Pao-Gui: Promise you won't tell? Anne: [sighs] Allright. Amy: [runs by again] HELP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pao-Gui: She drank an immortality potion that wansn't finished yet. When that happens you can never tell what will happen... Anne: So this thing turned our dear little Mittens into a rampaging monster? Jeff: Looks like it. [to Pao-Gui] You wouldn't happen to know any way to undo this, would you? Amy: [runs by yet again] SIS!!!! I REALLY NEED SOME HELP!!!!!!!! Pao-Gui: Um... No. It might just wear off after a while, though. Otherwise the only thing you can do is kill her or make her go to sleep. Jeff: We can't kill her... We have to incapacitate her somehow... Anne: Leave it to me. [she dramatically twirls her naginata around, and dashes off] Amy: [runs by once more] THIS IS NO FUN!!!!!! [cut to Anne, as the runs, against a swirling background. Mittens spins around as she approaches and both stop.] Anne: Now... [raises naginata above her head] TRANQUILITY SLEEP! [waves of bluish energy radiate from her spinning polearm. The glow around Mittens increases in intensity.] Sun! Use your Daydream Wave! [she quickly realizes that Amy is now asleep; big sweat drop] Uh oh. RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Jeff and Pao-Gui watch as Anne takes a turn at running like hell.] Jeff: Now what? Pao-Gui: We could run for our lives... [Bob happens by] Bob: I see you two are getting to know each other already! Do you know what those girls are doing? Jeff: No idea. Bob: Well, I'm just going to watch the game on TV. Feel free to join me. [Bob goes to the living room, sits down in his easy chair, and turns on the TV. Anne, pursuied by Mittens, runs by.] Bob: Anne, do you think you could possibly try not to get in the way of the TV? [Anne runs by a second time, but Mittens stops. Her glowing aura calms down, and she hops up onto the TV, curls up, and goes to sleep.] Jeff: I don't believe it. Pao-Gui: Your father is a very wise man. Jeff: Don't go that far. [Anne skids to a halt in the living room when she finally realizes that the isn't being chased anymore. Mittens is sleeping peacefully. She looks in disbelief, then walks back to the kitchen.] Anne: Now what? Pao-Gui: Well... [gulp] she'll probably either live forever, or the same thing will happen again when she wakes up... [Big sweat drops all around. The screen goes black, and there is a quiet meow, followed by a number of screams.] Interesting Times Extra Theater #1: Secrets of the Celestial Pair [Amy and Anne stand on a stage, each wearing a matching blouse and skirt, Amy in blue and Anne in red. Both are drawn to chibi proportions.] Amy: Well, we made it through our first episode. Anne: No thanks to you. Amy: The only thing is that the audience didn't get to find out much about us! Anne: Well, that's the author's fault. But I managed to convince him to give us a chance to explain things to the audience. Amy: That was nice of him! Anne: [cracks knuckles] Yeah, very nice. Amy: Where should we start? Anne: Well... [she produces a picture of the two of them, drawn to normal proportions] We're Jeff's sisters, Anne and Amy, the real stars of "Interesting Times." As you can see, we're identical twins. We're two years younger than Jeff, and we all go to the same school. Amy: Um, even though we look the same, we have really different personalities. Anne: She's the quiet one, and I'm not. Amy: Now we need to tell them about the Celestial Pair... Anne: [nods, flips over the diagram to reveal a similar pic of Pretty Sun and Pretty Moon.] Don't spread it around, but we also have other secret identities. Amy: I'm Pretty Sun, and Anne is Pretty Moon; together we're called the Celestial Pair! Anne: When we were about ten great granpa Hiroshi -- Amy: We're a tiny bit Japanese on our mom's side of the family, you know... Anne: Yeah, well anyway, he gave us these pendants, and told us that we were destined to become the heirs to the power of the original Celestial Pair, the sun and moon goddesses of Japan. Amy: Since then we've fought for love and justice! Anne: Right. But we've managed to keep this a secret from everyone except Jeff, who we made promise not to tell after he saw us transform. Amy: Is there anything we forgot? Anne: Well, in case you were wondering, Mittens has turned back to normal, as far as we can tell. Amy: Be sure to catch our next episode! Um, what's the title? Anne: He hasn't decided yet. [fade out] ------------------------------------------------------------------ Interesting Times by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney Episode #2: The Ancient Enemy of the Exploding Dragon Returns At Last! [Jeff and Pao-Gui are walking down the hall of the high school. Out of nowhere, a pretty brown-haired girl walks up to them. She is wearing a t-shirt and shorts.] Janice: Excuse me, can you help me? I'm new here... Jeff: Uh, sure. What can I do for you? Janice: Well, I need to find room C-4, Pao-Gui: [suddenly very interested] You want some C-4? Jeff: [quickly interrupting Pao-Gui] That's just-- Actually, that's the class we have first... [Pao-Gui studies Janice more carefully, and suddenly a sweat drop appears on his head, and he sort of hides behind Jeff.] Janice: Then you can show me the way! [Pao-Gui seems to cringe at every word she says] Jeff: Right. It's this way. [The three of them head off down the hall, though Pao-Gui seems determined to remain on the opposite side of Jeff from Janice. She gives him a sly look and grins. Cut to the inside of Mr. Chen's classroom. Jeff sits roughly in the middle of the room, with Janice on one side, and Pao-Gui on the other. Mr. Chen, a very old Chinese man, hobbles into the room, and sets down an attache.] Mr. Chen: Now, class, we will begin. [He squints a bit.] I see we have a couple of students who are new to this school. Will you please stand up and introduce yourselves, in turn. Pao-Gui: [stands up] I am Pao-Gui Wang, an exchange student from China, and I am staying here at the home of the Foster family this year. Mr. Chen: Indeed. [to Janice] And you, miss? Janice: Janice Crowley. My family moved here from New York a few weeks ago. Mr. Chen: And you, young man? [A fairly nondescript guy wearing jeans and t-shirt, looks up.] Iggy: Me? I'm Iggy Stingray. My family moved here at the beginning of the summer, 'cause my dad got transferred to a project at the university. Mr. Chen: Very interesting. Now, we will proceed with the class. As you know, this class will cover the topic of ancient history. [He stops] I see we will have to wait. [Amy and Anne ignore him.] Mr. Chen: EXCUSE ME! I am attempting to conduct a class at this time! If you do not wish to pay attention, you may leave now! I warn you not to engage my wrath; you will deeply regret it. [Amy and Anne look up, obviously a little afraid.] Mr. Chen: Good, now-- [He turns and looks at a pair of guys, both wearing heavy metal t-shirts and black trenchcoats, who are talking amongst themselves.] Mr. Redmond! Mr. Fullerton! [they immediately turn around] I am attempting to conduct a class here!!!!! [battle aura flares] Would you please join us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [they turn around and face front. Iggy raises his hand.] WHAT!?!?!?!?! Iggy: I... um... I hate to say it, but... Mr. Chen: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Iggy: [gulp] May I go to the... restroom? Mr. Chen: _NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_ YOU MAY NOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [stands up on his desk, begins cursing loudly in Mandarin.] Subtitles: You ignorantly fooling little imbeciles! [Close-up of Janice -- his words seem to send an electric charge through her mind. Her eyes become glazed over, and she sits perfectly still] Subtitles: I cannot believe your supreme impudence! You should all be taken by the feet and hung from a fast-moving garbage truck! Soon I will dispense on you the Vengeance of Heaven Jeff: [quietly, to Pao-Gui] What's he saying? Pao-Gui: You don't want to know. Janice: [She suddenly stands up, and a gust of wind flies through the classroom. Her eyes narrow, and she scans the room, stopping when she sees Pao-Gui] You. [her voice reverberates, and after she says it, there is a demonic echo in Mandarin.] Pao-Gui: M-m-m-me? Janice: I have waited so long to find the offspring of Pao- Long! Mr. Chen: [barely audible even though he's screaming] You should not transform into an ancient demonic sorceress seeking vengeance in my classroom! If you persist this I will be forced to write a referral! Jeff: Pao-Long? Pao-Gui: My great-grandfather... [to Janice] Then you must be... Janice: [smiles] Fei-Lei. [she makes her hands into fists and crosser her arms in front of her chest. A bright light surrounds her, and when it has ended, she wears ornate Chinese robes.] I have returned for vengeance! [She raises her hands high into the air.] I call forth a thunderbolt to strike down my enemy! [Cut to outside -- the antenna on the building is struck by lightning. Back inside, the TV explodes.] Janice: [frowns] Damn roof. [to Pao-Gui] I see I will have to be more direct about this! [she pulls out a mallet] Get over here! Pretty Moon: Hold it right there! Janice: [whirls around to see the Celestial Pair standing there] Who the hell are you? Pretty Sun: I am Pretty Sun! [strikes a pose] Pretty Moon: And I am Pretty Moon! [likewise] P. Sun & P. Moon: We are the Celestial Pair! [brief pose against a background of cherry trees in full bloom] Janice: How very poetic. But your powers cannot possibly compare to mine! Mr. Chen: That is it! I will not have such battles taking place in my classroom! I see I will have to end this myself! [Janice, Amy, and Anne sort of stare at him.] Mr. Chen: Behold! [he whirls around, and is suddenly clothes in the manner of a Buddhist monk.] Now you will face my wrath! [he produces a ward from within the folds of his robe.] HAH! [He throws it at Janice, and it strikes her in the forehead.] Janice: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! [She collapses, and transforms back to normal.] Mr. Chen: And as for you...! P. Sun: No! Wait! We're the good ones! [He tosses a ward at each of them. They likewise collapse and go back to normal.] Mr. Chen: Now then, can we continue the class, or will I have to make use of the Spell of the Great Ultimate Pain Not Known Otherwise Except In Hell? [Most of the class shake their heads.] Mr. Chen: Good. [Fade out.] Interesting Times Extra Theater #2 Pao-Gui Plans For the Next Encounter With Fei-Lei [Jeff stands on a stage, dressed just how he usually does.] Jeff: Um, hi there. I finally got the author to let me do the omake this time. There are a few other things I wanted to discuss while I had the chance. Pao-Gui: [pops up from nowhere] Like what? Jeff: Well, first of all, what does your name mean? Pao-Gui: Well, Pao-Gui is the shortened version; it means... well... Jeff: Hm? Pao-Gui: It means... Exploding Spirit. Jeff: [sweat drop] Um, yeah. And the long version? Pao-Gui: I think I have it around somewhere... [searches his pockets, then suddenly produces a vertical sign which has a string of kanji that stretches far off into the sky.] Jeff: I can see why you'd use the short version... Pao-Gui: [Nods, starts putting it away] Now, what else were we here to talk about? Jeff: About Janice? Pao-Gui: [shivers] Um, yes? Jeff: What's with her, exactly? Pao-Gui: I believe she is the reincarnation of Fei-Lei, Flying Thunder, my great grandfather's nemesis. Jeff: But Janice is back to her old self now? Pao-Gui: Yes, but she could change back at any time. I believe we will have to take precautions. Jeff: Such as? Pao-Gui: Spirit wards, talismans, psychology textbook, C-4, dynamite... Jeff: Never mind. Just forget it! I need to head down to the comics store soon anyway. Amy: [popping up out of nowhere] Which brings us to our next exciting chapter! Jeff vs. The Mysterious Inklord: A Visit to the Comics Store We Would Never Forget! [fade out] Jeff: Wait a minute! ------------------------------------------------------------------ Interesting Times by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney Episode #3: Jeff vs. The Mysterious Inklord: A Visit to the Comics Store We Would Never Forget! [The episode begins in Jeff's room; he is getting ready for something. Pao-Gui watches, unsure of what to make of all of it.] Pao-Gui: What exactly are you doing? Shouldn't you be studying? Jeff: What are you talking about? It's *saturday*! Today's the day I go to the comic book shop. Pao-Gui: Why? Don't you have enough comics? Jeff: Of course not! A collection like this has to be kept up to date, you know. That's how I've accumulated so many issues in the first place! Pao-Gui: I'm not sure I understand... Jeff: [puts on his jacket] Well, you can come with me if you like. [Later on, the two of them are at Excalibur Comics. The store is quiet, and they are the only customers present. Jeff walks in.] Nate (the clerk): Hey, Jeff! Knew you'd be here. Jeff: [nods] Natch. You got my books? Nate: Of course. [pulls out a stack of some ten comics] You got the last copy of Psychomancer, you know. Voice: WHAT?!?! I- it cannot be!!! [Jeff whirls around, with speed lines, and sees a strange man. He is dressed in a black jumpsuit with a black cape, and wears a mask shaped like a fountain pen nib.] Jeff: Who the hell are you? Man: I AM THE INKLORD!!!!!!! Jeff: And? Inklord: I claim that comic! I have devoted my entire life to comics, and I will not be denied this series by anyone! [Pao-Gui looks around confused. Nate takes a step back. Jeff frowns, and stands his ground.] Jeff: No way. I got a subscription here! [his face contorts in rage] I had it FIRST! Inklord: Then I challege you, to a duel! Jeff: [strikes a pose] I won't let anyone stop me from maintaining my collection! Do you hear me?!?! NO ONE! Inklord: Nor will I. You will have to face me on the field of honor. Jeff: [blue aura forming] Fine! If it has to be that way, I'll face you! Inklord: VERY WELL! I have given you my name, tell me yours! Jeff: I'm Jeff Foster! Inklord: Allright, Jeff Foster, I challenge you to a duel of comic book trivia! Jeff: [grins] Okay. First one to miss three questions loses. Inklord: I will go first. What is the name of Hyper- Anteater's youngest sister? Jeff: Nice try; I read that article in Comic Collector's Monthly; it's Esmerelda. Inklord: Yes. Your move. Jeff: Allright. Name the guy who did the translation of Invasion of the Neptunians. Inklord: Higby Fallingstar. [This continues for some time. A few hours later, they're still at it, while Pao-Gui and Nate have nearly fallen asleep.] Nate: Hey, guys. Inklord: You would dare to interrupt us? Nate: Well, I do have to close this place soon... Jeff: We still haven't determined who gets the comic! Inklord: There must be some way to settle this. Pao-Gui: Coin toss? Inklord: You would trivialize this in such a manner?!?!?!?! Pao-Gui: Sorry. Inklord: Now, we must continue. Let us change the manner of the contest. You may choose, Jeff Foster. Jeff: [looks around the store desperately, then grabs a pair of light sabers.] Let's be direct about this. [He tosses one to Inklord and then activates his; much to his surprise, it works.] Damn. I gotta get me one of these. Nate: Six thousand dollars and it's yours. As it is, I'll have to charge you for the battery packs. Inklord: [breathing heavily] Very well, young Foster. [activated light saber] Let us be quick about this to save money. [The two of them charge at each other, and have a Star Wars style melee, exchanging light saber blows. Both show remarkable skill, and neither one seems to be winning.] Inklord: Your skills are impressive, young Foster. Jeff: [grins] I'm full of surprises. Inklord: Perhaps. But it will not save you. Jeff: Wanna bet? [he jumps behind the counter, and picks up a remote control.] Inklord: What's that? An RC car? Jeff: Think again. [He presses buttons on the remote. [Out of nowhere comes a 4-foot-tall animatronic Godzilla, which grabs the Inklord from behind and holds him in place. His light saber drops to the ground and deactivates. For dramatic effect, Jeff points his at Inklord, then deactivates it.] Score one for me. Inklord: Curse you, Jeff Foster! Jeff: Whatever. [he pays for the comic, and then taps at the remote control, freeing the Inklord. And with that, he walks out, followed by Pao-Gui.] Inklord: Curse you, Jeff Foster! We WILL meet again! And when we do, I will be ready to crush you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------ Interesting Times by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney Episode #4: Coming of the Two Empires: A Day We Would Never Forget [It's a very nice day out, and Jeff and Pao-Gui have just been dropped off at school by Bob. The birds are singing, there's a light breeze, and not a cloud in the sky.] Pao-Gui: I still don't see how you can spend so much money on comics. Jeff: I don't see how you can spend so much time, money, and effort on concocting frequently lethal immortality potions. Pao-Gui: Point taken. Iggy: Um, excuse me? Jeff: Hm? Iggy: Do you have the homework from Mr. Chen's class? Jeff: [opening his backpack] A bit late for that, aren't you? Iggy: I know, but you know how he is. Jeff: You don't take his class without knowing that. Pao-Gui: Um, guys? Iggy: What is his problem? Not only is he tight about everything, but he keeps throwing around those ward things. Pao-Gui: Excuse me? Jeff: [opens binder] Well, he certainly knows the subject, you can't deny that, though everyone says the reason he knows so much about ancient history is because he was there at the time. [snicker] Pao-Gui: If I may suggest... Jeff: Anyway, here it is; page 142, all the review questions. [to Pao-Gui] Now, what were you saying. Pao-Gui: [points up] That. [The two of them look up and stop short as they realize that what Pao-Gui was referring to; a massive armada of alien warships, all hovering above the school in exactly the same way that bricks don't.] Jeff: Um... Iggy: Gee... Pao-Gui: I wonder what they're doing? Mr. Chen: I don't know, but you'd better get to class before the bell rings! [The three of them jump, not quite sure of who to be more afraid of. Cut to Mr. Chen's class. Everyone's talking, and the bell hasn't rung yet.] Very well. [the bell rings; the class instantly quiets] Well, class, since I obviously won't be able to get you to concentrate on ancient history today, I would instead like to discuss your thoughts on our visitors. Would anyone care to make any observations? [a few hands raise] Iggy. Iggy: I can't help but wonder what they're like; the aliens, I mean. Do you think they'll humanoid, or insects, or wierd slimy things like in Independence Day, or protoplasmic things like in Gall Force, or something even stranger... Mr. Chen: Thank you for your... thoughts. Ms. Crowley? Janice: Well... I just wonder what they're going to do to us. Are they going to blow up the planet, or are they looking for experimental subjects, or what. Mr. Chen: Indeed. Mr. Foster? Jeff: [sighs] I can't help but wonder just WHY they decided to come HERE. I mean, this is just a high school. You have to wonder just what their motives are; if they really wanted to conquer the planet, they'd probably go to somewhere a bit more significant. Mr. Chen: That is a valid point. We can only wait and see-- [He is interrupted by a fantastic crack of thunder.] Mr. Chen: DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Outside, one of the ships has landed, and a blue glow around it is slowly fading. The entire class goes to the window to watch, as a hatch opens. A tall, dark figure, clad in black and violet armor with lots of spikes and wicked, glowing eyes slowly steps out. It surveys the area, then zeroes in on the classroom. It gestures with one gauntlet- clad hand, and all of the windows shatter outwards. The class looks on in disbelief; Amy and Anne are not among them.] Pretty Sun: Stop right there! Pretty Moon: What do you want here? [The figure looks at them for a moment, and then continues advancing towards the now windowless classroom.] P. Moon: Hey! Are you listening to us?!?! [No response] Fine then! PRETTY UMBRA SHOCKWAVE!!!!! [She strikes her naginata to the ground, and waves of energy spread out in all directions. The alien leaps through the air, the armor flying off in mid-air, and lands on a desk inside the class. They all look up in awe. The alien is quite female and wears a form-fitting jumpsuit, with armor plating over her hands, lower legs, and chest, and there is a blue gemstone set into her forehead.] Janice: Who? Alien: I am Ada Gin, commander of the 96th Fleet of the Nwei Empire. Iggy: But... what do you want here? Ada: The Nwei Empire stakes claim to this world! Mr. Chen: Very well. BUT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DISRUPT MY CLASS IN THE PROCESS!?!?!?!?! Ada: [she is surprised, and does a brief wild take] Huh? You're going to fight back? Mr. Chen: FINE THEN!!!!! [He leaps, spinning through the air, casting off his suit to reveal a monk's outfit.] Now, face the vengeance of heaven, you foul alien interruption! P. Sun & P. Moon: We willl stop you in the name of Love & Justice! Ada: Uh-oh. [she taps a button on her gauntlet, and a visor pops up in front of her eyes.] Power levels... 400, 320, and 330? Um... gee... Voice: Hold it right there, *princess*! [Everyone whirls around to see a second alien woman, clad in an ornate robe, who is hovering three feet above the ground.] Ada: Aaino? Aaino: The same. The Kaio Empire claims this world! Ada: But we were... Um... [Mr. Chen begins to curse in mandarin] Subtitles: Very well! If you, too wish to disrupt my class, I will be forced to use the full extent of my powers! Prepare yourselves! Janice: [transforms into Fei-Lei again] What is the meaning of this?! Aaino: What?!?! Since when were the Terrans so damn powerful? I guess I'll have to call in reinforcements... Janice: Thunderbolt Strike! [Aaino is struck by lightning.] Subtitles: Great Supreme Heaven's Wrath Ascension Strike! [Ada is struck by a white energy blast. The two aliens fall side by side in a heap. From Ada's ship comes a squad of power-suited soldiers. Likewise, a squad of Aaino's psychics simply materialize.] Nwei Commander: Princess Ada! Are you allright? What have these terrible Kaio done to you? Janice: Don't underestimate the human race! [she chucks another lightning bolt; the Nweians scatter.] Kaio Commander: Incredible! How could a Terran wield such power? Mr. Chen: Do you want to find out firsthand?!?!?!?!?!?! Ada: You know, Aaino, maybe invading here wasn't such a good idea... Aaino: Perhaps. But we can't really turn back now, can we? We just have to deal with these Terrans, and then we can do this properly. Allright? Ada: Sounds good to me. [The two of them get up, and survey Mr. Chen's class. Out of nowhere, Ada pulls out a bazooka, and fires it into the class. The students scatter, diving out. After that, both squads of aliens charge forward.] P. Sun: Uh-oh. P. Moon: This looks bad... [Later on; Mr. Chen's class is variously tied up with high- tech handcuff-type things, and rings of psychic energy. Ada and Aaino stand across from one another.] Aaino: As per the treaty between our two peoples, I am invoking Article 424, Section XVIII paragraph L, which states that a conflict over the control of a low-tech world can be decided by a duel involving two average natives, one choses and trained by each side. Ada: Very well. I accept. Aaino: Choose your champion, then. Ada: [she surveys the various students; when she sees Jeff's t-shirt, which just happens to be from Gundam, she looks at him and nods] That one. Jeff: Me? Ada: Yes, you! P. Sun: Why him? [one of Ada's soldiers goes and releases Jeff, leading him to Ada's side.] Aaino: And I will choose... [zeroes in on Pao-Gui] Him. Pao-Gui: But... [The energy restraints on him vanish.] Aaino: The duel will begin in one-quarter cycle! [Pao-Gui and Jeff exchange glances, not sure of what to say, much less think.] Interesting Times Extra Theater #3: A Brief History of the Nwei and Kaio Empires Jeff: Today we're going to discuss the nature of these alien invaders a little. [points to a star chart] The first to arrive was a cute alien girl named Ada Gin, of the Nwei empire. The Nweians look basically human, and, physiologically, are, save in that they have two hearts and a more complex nervous system, resulting in superior reflexes. Pao-Gui: The other... visitors are the Kaio. They are likewise mostly human, save in that their mental abilities are far superior -- every last one of them has highly developed psychic powers. Jeff: The Nweians and the Kaio are ancient enemies, having started this long conflict some ten thousand years ago when the Nweian Princess called the Kaio Princess a... well, it translates to something like... ugh... I can't say that here, though in their language it's said "Isee mutubeha vinthi sincrejibldif fikultiwis mylifsty ul" Apparently is one of the worst insults possible in the Kaio language. Pao-Gui: Two thousand years ago the two Empires finally decided to talk peace after their wars has destroyed a small galaxy, and thus they met and created the Treaty of Bertaise -- that's the one that Aaino invoked today. Even so, they did start fighting again last week, when Princess Ada accidentally called Aaino a "nisp ersong", which isn't nearly as bad as... what you said before... but is still not very nice in the Kaio language. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Interesting Times by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney Episode #5: The Great Battle: A Wonderful Peace Offering [Jeff is aboard a Nwei spaceship, amid a pile of various ultra-tech death weapons.] Ada: [exhausted and exasperated] Well, I think that's all of them. Jeff: [sighs] And you actually think I can remember all this? Ada: AAaaahh... [falls over] Jeff: [walks over, stands above her] Why exactly did you choose me, anyway? Ada: [blushes] Well, um... you... seemed to know a little about our type of technology [points at his Gundam shirt] Jeff: [looks at his shirt, not sure what to think] You mean you... [grins] That's... Oh, JEEZ... [busts out laughing] Ada: [sits up] What? What's so funny? Jeff: [after nearly a full 30 seconds he stops laughing, but is still smiling] This shirt is from Gundam -- a Japanese TV show; it's not real at all. Hell, building those kinds of things is a physical impossibility! Ada: You mean you aren't...? Jeff: [shakes his head] Nope. I just collect comics. Ada: [puts head in hands] What am I gonna' do? I can't change champions, and if my dad finds out that I lost another world to the Kaio he's gonna' be real mad! Jeff: [sighs] Well... I can try anyhow... No guarantees, mind you, but I can try. Ada: [hugging him with superhuman speed] Oh, thank you! [Meanwhile, on the other side of the school's courtyard is Aaino's ship, in which she is talking to Pao-Gui.] Aaino: What do you mean you don't understand? It's pefectly simple sixth dimensional geometry! How can you have such a high PSI potential without knowing how to use it? Pao-Gui: I, um, I said before... Aaino: WHAT?!?!?! Pao-Gui: Well... I'm sort of... specialized. Aaino: [frowns. Well, more so.] And that would be...? Pao-Gui: I am training to be an alchemist. Aaino: An alchemist. So you're saying your skills are useless in combat? Pao-Gui: Unless you want some explosives... Aaino: Well, you leave me little choice. [she pulls out a high-tech looking helmet with lots of wierd crystals sticking out, and slaps it on his head] This is a PSI wave magnification device. It will allow us to put what remains of your untapped potential to good use. Now, I want you to form a psi-blade, like this. [an energy sword appears in her hand.] Pao-Gui: But... Aaino: No "buts"! JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Meanwhile, outside, Bob and Diane Foster are waiting, along with a large crowd of other people, Mr. Chen and his classmates among them.] Bob: What do you suppose is going to happen? Amy: Well, the aliens said that they'd each pick a native, and they'd fight each other, and they picked Pao-Gui and Jeff, so... Bob: Those two are so enterprising. And to think they've only known each other a week! Mr. Chen: An... interesting choice of words. Bob: I don't believe I've had the pleasure; I'm Bob Foster. And you? Mr. Chen: I am Mr. Chen; I teach ancient history here. Your children are in my class. Bob: [vigorously shakes Mr. Chen's hand, and thus vigorously shakes Mr. Chen] Well, pleased to meet you! Mr. Chen: Um... yes. If you'll excuse me, I have some things to attend to. Bob: [to one of the Nwei soldiers] So, tell me young man, where are you from? Soldier: Uh, me? I'm from a world you would call Alpha Centauri IV. Bob: That's a long commute, isn't it? It must be pretty cold in space this time of year. Soldier: I, um, I suppose... Bob: So, how do you like it here? Soldier: [shrugs] I haven't had much chance to look around; been on duty since we landed. Bob: I know how that is; I used to be a security guard myself for a little while; long shifts can be a real pain, huh? Soldier: Yeah. The pay's okay, though, and I get to meet lots of interesting people... [While Bob and the soldier continue chatting, the main hatches of each of the spaceships open, and Jeff and Pao- Gui, accompanied by the princesses, step out. Jeff is wearing armor plating similar to Ada's, though nowhere near as ornate, or revealing. Pao-Gui still has the same helmet on, accompanied by a long flowing robe.] Aaino: Are you ready? Jeff: [shrugs] Whatever. [The two combatants step out into the middle of the field. Jeff leans over and whispers to Pao-Gui] Jeff: I don't want to really fight, but we gotta' make this look good. Pao-Gui: Yes. Jeff: But who should win? Pao-Gui: [looks back at Aaino, who is scowling at him] I say you should; if she is any indication, the Kaio are not very nice. Jeff: [out loud] All right. Are you ready?! Pao-Gui: [hovers above the ground] Yes! Give me your best shot! Jeff: [whips out a bazooka-type weapon] Take this! [he fires it, missing horribly and obliterating a car] Ada: You forgot to activate the targeting system! Aaino: You fool! Use your mind-blade! Strike now! [Pao-Gui concentrates, forming a blade of energy, and dashes at Jeff. Jeff attempts to parry with the bazooka, but it goes straight through; both of them look at the bisected weapon in astonishment.] Ada: Jeff! Use your force shield! Your force shield!!!!!!!!! Jeff: Right! [he taps a button on his gauntlet, and a circular force field springs out] [Back in the crowd, Bob is still talking to the soldier.] Soldier: Yeah, that's true. But I'd have to wait until my tour of service is over -- another five orbital cycles. [looks over at the fight] So that's your son, huh? Bob: Yup. I'm mighty proud of the boy. Soldier: He's handling himself pretty well, considering... Bob: Well, Jeff was never much of a physical type, though he was on the soccer team when he was little. Voice: Excuse me... [The two of them turn around to see a man, clad in high-tech armor, who towers over them, some seven or eight feet tall.] Soldier: Emperor Atak!?!? [bows] It's an honor to meet you. Atak: At ease, soldier. [to Bob] So, you're the father of Nwei's champion? Bob: Yes sir! [gives Atak a hearty handshake] Name's Bob Fosters, yer' highness. Pleased to meet you! Atak: Likewise. When I heard about this I came as fast as I could. Bob: Quite a show, isn't it? Atak: True, but it's not just that; the... um... treaty that was invoked has a certain clause that has to be enforced. Bob: Oh? Soldier: You mean...? Atak: [nods] The winning champion must marry the princess. Diane: Really? Don't you think Jeff's a little young for that sort of thing? Atak: Perhaps, but if it isn't done, then the victory won is forfeit, and the Kaio get the planet. Of course, if my son- in-law were a resident I would leave this place alone for the most part, but I doubt that the Kaio would be so kind. Bob: Well, I guess we don't have much of a choice, do we? Besides, I can tell she's a pretty, hard-working girl. I'd be pleased as punch to have her a part of the family! Atak: [looks back at Ada, who is variously cheering and instructing Jeff] Well, we'll have to see who wins, but I have confidence in him. [Back at the fight, Jeff and Pao-Gui circle one another.] Jeff: I think it's about time to end this. When I hit you, pretend to be unconscious. Pao-Gui: But--! [Jeff clobbers him (lightly) with a particle accelerator rifle. Pao-Gui stares at him for a moment, and then falls over sideways.] Ada: YAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! Aaino: [to Pao-Gui] DAMN YOU! I TOLD YOU TO TELEPORT!!!! Pao-Gui: Ouch. Jeff: [drops the rifle] Well, that's that. [he goes over to Pao-Gui and helps him up.] You okay? Pao-Gui: That hurt. Jeff: Sorry... Ada: Daddy? Bob: Son! I'm so proud of you! And we've got good news! [gestures to Atak] I want you to meet Emperor Atak! Ada: But dad, why're you here? Atak: Do you remember what I told you about Article 424, Section XVIII paragraph L stroke *B*? Ada: Um... no... Atak: Well, in order for us to maintain legal control over this world, you have to marry the champion. Ada: [appraising Jeff] Gee, I hadn't planned... Oh well! [takes Jeff by the arm] He's kinda' cute anyway. Okay! Jeff: Wha...? Bob: Well, all we have to do now is decide where to hold the ceremony! [laughs] [Jeff turns very pale, and faints. Fade out.] Ada: Are you allright, Jeff? Jeff: Why can't I have a normal life?!?!?! Interesting Times Extra Theater #4: Jeff Blushing And His Bride [Pao-Gui, Jeff, and Emperor Atak are in Jeff's room.] Atak: So, this is your place? Not very big... Jeff: Well... true. I was wondering if I could talk to you about this whole marriage thing? Atak: Certainly! Anything for my soon to be son-in-law! Jeff: Well, it's just... Atak: Not getting cold feet, are you? Jeff: Well, by our standards I'm still just a kid, you know... I don't even have a steady job. Atak: How old are you? Jeff: Seventeen. Atak: Why, by the time I was seventeen I'd already conquered six star systems! Pao-Gui: But, sir... he isn't a Nwei warrior... Jeff: Especially not one of your great skills. Atak: I see your point. Well, son, I'll tell you what; we can wait a while. You can wait until after your education is done with before you marry Ada. Jeff: [under breath] I'll just have to go to medical school... Atak: In the meantime, Ada will live here with you. Besides, she could use a break from this conquest bussiness. Jeff: Um... Pao-Gui: Thank you, your highness. Atak: Not at all. I'll be seeing you later. [leaves] Jeff: [sigh] What next? How could my life get any more convoluted? Pao-Gui: Wait until the next episode. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Interesting Times by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney Episode #6: A Dangerous Company Picnic! [It is early morning, in Jeff's room. Ada is sprawled on a futon next to the bunkbed where Jeff and Pao-Gui are sleeping. She is wearing cute-looking pajamas with a pattern little pink missiles on them. A device on her wrist starts beeping, and she stirs a little and then sits up.] Ada: Time to get up already? [yawns] Well, let's go! [She stands up, neatly remaking her futon, and then taps a button on her watch-thing, suddenly shifting into a simple gray jumpsuit. The then walks out into the hall. A short while later, an alarm clock goes off, playing loud heavy metal music. Jeff stirs, stretches, and then slides out of the bed.] Jeff: [mutters] Another morning. [He walks into the kitchen, and notices Amy and Anne are looking out the window.] What's with you two? Amy: Look... [Outside, Ada is upside-down, balanced on one hand. Her eyes are closed, and she is holding a pistol in the other hand.] Jeff: Must be some alien thing. Anne: Great how she can hit things dead on like that. Jeff: [shrugs, and walks outside] Hey Ada. What's up... So to speak. [Ada blinks, wavers a bit, and then falls over. Her gun somehow manages to go off, firing a laser beam, when it hits the ground, and again and again as it bounces a couple times before resting on the ground. Ada and Jeff both scramble to stay out of its way.] Ada: Ooooohh... You made me lose my concentration. [picks up the gun] Good thing this gun doesn't actually do anything... Jeff: Hm? [She points it at his head, gives and evil grin, and pulls the trigger. A harmless beam of light meets his forehead. Jeff faints.] Ada: At least, I don't think it's supposed to do anything... [looking at Jeff] Oh no! Could this be the neural disruptor and not the training laser! Umm... Anne: [who's now stepped out as well] Relax, you just scared him again. [she picks Jeff up; his eyes are all swirly] Yo! Brother! Are you allright? Jeff: [groggily] Have I been vaporized yet? Ada:[giggles] Oh, good! You're allright! [she immediately glomps onto him, pulling away from Anne. Jeff starts to get a nosebleed] Bob: Well, I see you're all up early! Amy: Hi, dad. So're you... Bob: Don't you remember what it is today? [Everyone shakes their head. Except Jeff, who is ... otherwise engaged.] Bob: Why, today's the day of the Developmental Neogenetics Amalgamated company picnic! Amy: Oh yeah! Over at Sea Land! Anne: [sarcastic] Yippee. Ada: What's a ... "company picnic"? Bob: Well, at most big companies they have a get together once a year; everyone who works there brings their families, and we just have a great day of family fun! Ada: Neat! When are we going to leave? Bob: [looks at watch] Oh... two hours from now. We've got a long drive ahead of us, you know. Ada: But... why don't we just teleport? Anne: Unfortunately, Earth technology hasn't gotten that far just yet. Ada: Oh. I knew I should'a asked dad to leave a space station for me... Bob: Well, just be ready in time! [A bit later -- the Foster family, plus Pao-Gui and Ada, are in the van. Pao-Gui has had the misfortune of being sandwiched by the twins, while Jeff has Ada leaning against him constantly in the middle seat. Jeff is looking out the window.] Jeff: [sigh] I hate long car rides. [stops short] Damnit! Ada: What? Jeff: I forgot, today is when Violet Nightmare #50 comes out! I won't be able to get a copy. [Briefly cut to the Inklord at the comics shop, holding up a comic book with purple foily stuff on the cover and laughing manaiacally.] Ada: So, what do we do at this "company picnic" thing? Bob: Well, Al, my manager, is doing a lot of the planning. He says the park has a swimming pool, an arcade, and we're even going to have some live music -- The Good 'Ole Boys! Anne: Just what I need. More country-western. [casually pokes Pao-Gui in the side] Pao-Gui: Please stop that, before I am forced to use my power against you. Anne: Oh? [View of outside the van; there is a small explosion, and smoke billows out of the windows.] Anne (P. Moon): ULTIMATE ... ECLIPSE---!!! Diane: Will you all please settle down. We'll be there soon! Anne: Sorry, mom. [Later on -- the family is at the gates of Sea Land, the largest marine park in the tri-state area (whatever that is). Bob is talking to the guy at the ticket booth.] Ada: So, what is this place, exactly? I'm not sure I understand the name at all... Jeff: [sighs] It's a "marine park"; they basically have a bunch of ocean animals that they show off to people who come here. Some of them are trained and do shows. Ada: Wow. Bob: Well, let's go! [They proceed to a picnic area, which is grassy and hilly, with a series of covered picnic tables. A handful of families are gathered there. There is a large banner saying "Developmental Neogenetics Amalgamated Company Picnic", with a DNA chain on one side and a beach ball on the other. A handful of other families are present, one of whom catches Jeff's attention.] Jeff: Oh, wow. Pao-Gui, look. Pao-Gui: [looks, and then jumps] Janice?! Bob: You know Janice? She's Al Crowley's daughter, you know. Jeff: She's also in our class at school. Ada: Isn't she the one that-- Jeff: Shh. Yes. Be quiet before he-- Bob: Al! Holly! How ya' been? [The Crowley family -- Al and his wife Holly, plus Janice, turn to face them. Al grins, walks up, and shake's Bob's hand.] Al: Bob! Glad to see you made it! You seem to have a bigger tribe than last year! Bob: Yeah, well, this last month has seen the old homestead get a bit more crowded. [gestures to Pao-Gui] This is Pao- Gui Wang, an exchange student from China who's staying with us, [gestures to Ada] and this is Ada, princess of the Nwei aliens and Jeff's new fiancee! [Ada gives Jeff an affectionate squeeze. Jeff lowers his head and sighs.] Al: Oh yeah! I heard about that in the news! Janice: [to Jeff] I see you to are getting along fine. Jeff: Um-- Ada: Um hm! [giggles] Janice: [to Pao-Gui] How about you? [Pao-Gui tried to discretely place Jeff between himself and Janice.] Janice: As I thought. See you later. [Still later. The Foster family is looking at a whale tank inside one of the exhibits. A humpback whale swims serenely through the clear water, and recorded whale song reverberates through the hall.] Guide: And here you see Nemo and Nene, a pair of humpback whales who were brought here from the pacific ocean. The sounds you hear are recorded whale song; we don't know exactly what the purpose of these songs are, but some speculate that-- Woman: Maybe it's singing to that girl in there? [Everyone turns to look, and Jeff face-faults. Ada is in the tank, resting on top of one of the whales, sort of hugging it (insofar as is possible) and smiling widely.] Woman: What the hell?! [She runs outside, and Jeff follows.] Ada: [climbing out of the tank] Wow. Woman: Who the hell do you think you are? Ada: I'm Princess Ada. Woman: Princess?! Jeff: [clears throat] Um, she *is* the first crown princess of the Nwei Empire... Woman: [frowns] That doesn't give you the right to screw around in my whale tank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ada: I wasn't doing anything like that! I was just talking to them! Woman: I don't want to hear any of your crap! I don't care who you are! Ada: Well, Ruth, I'm sorry if I bothered you... I just... um... Woman (Ruth): How the hell did you know my name?! Ada: Nemo told me! They said that you take good care of them. Jeff: [sighs] Look, we're sorry about all this. She just hasn't learned all that much about Earth culture yet. Ruth: Just keep her out of trouble, okay? [Back at the picnic area, Jeff is falling asleep as DNA's president stands in front of a podium making a speech.] Jeff: Now we need a strange monster to show up and our day will be complete. President: And at Developmental Neogenetics Amalgamated we are creating the future! New medicines, new genetically engineered life forms to make our lives better! And you, DNA's employees, are the ones who make it all possible, who allow us to reach towards a better and brighter future! [Out of nowhere, a velociraptor and a humanoid rabbit-girl land on either side of the president. The raptor grabs him by the arms.] Rabbit-girl: Too bad you forgot to mention us! The "misbegotten freaks" that were left behind in your "bright future's" wake! President: I... um... that is to say... Ada: [aside, to Jeff] Is this supposed to happen. Jeff: Um... no. This is what we call an "act of terrorism." Rabbit-girl: But now we'll show you! We've planted a bomb here! If any of you tries to leave, it'll be detonated! Pao-Gui: Did she say a bomb? Jeff: Great. Now all we need to make this day compelte is for -- P. Sun & P. Moon: We are the twin defenders of justice and love! The Celestial Pair! Jeff: ...that to happen. P. Sun: We will not let you ruin this beautiful day with your threats! [The raptor snarls loudly. Big sweat drop over Amy's head.] Amy: [nervously] Why do I have a feeling of deja vu? Rabbit-girl: Go entertain those two for a while. [The raptor leaps a good ten feet, and chargest straight at the Celestial Pair. The two of them run in opposite directions, and it chooses to follow Amy.] Amy: That's why! Ada: Should we go help them? Jeff: Those two can handle it for now. We should deal with the bomb. Ada: I didn't know you were such a leader! Jeff: [sighs] Me neither. Amy: [running by] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ada: [suddenly produces a wicked-looking multi-purpose ultra-tech weapon of mass destruction. Its grip is such that the entire thing seems to wrap around her arm, and for that matter, it looks like she shouldn't be able to lift the damn thing in the first place] Right! Let's go! [she charges at the stage] Jeff: [sighs again] What is her _problem_? Does her race even have subtlety? Pao-Gui: It certainly doesn't look that way... [Unleashing a blood-curdling battle cry, Ada leaps up at the stage. Seeing this fearsome sight, the rabbit-girl dives for cover, narrowly dodging a small missile as she does so.] Ada: Take that! [laser fire sprays everywhere] Amy: [running by the stage] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this part!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [The raptor runs by, snarling menacingly.] Bob: Mighty busy day this has turned out to be, eh? Al: Sure is. Almost as wild as the picnic in 1984, eh? Bob: This stuff usually only happens during press conferences, but I think it's good to let the kids see this part of work, you know? [Meanwhile, the rabbit-girl is frantically dodging the guided gyrojet rounds that Ada is firing off, and trying to apoligize at the same time.] Rabbit-girl: I admit it was a mistake, okay? I'm SORRY!!!!!!!!! Just please don't kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Meanwhile, Amy, the raptor, and Anne have stopped, and stand together, watching in bewilderment. The raptor lets out a long sigh and puts its clawed hand against its head.] Ada: Do you surrender?! Rabbit-girl: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ada: Good. [she fires a single energy shot, leaving the rabbit-girl unconscious. She then turns to Jeff] Is that better? Jeff: A bit overkill, but yes. Ada: Yay! Another victory! ------------------------------------------------------------------ Interesting Times by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney Episode #7: Interesting Times Karaoke Night [Amy, Anne, and Jeff stand on a stage, dressed up a little bit.] Jeff: Today we have a special episode of Interesting Times. Since we weren't able to think of a theme song, we're going to take a look at a few interesting existing songs that we might use. Amy: Of course, these will be pretty reflective of the Blackbird-sama's taste in music... Anne: Why are you calling him "-sama"? Jeff: Well, he is the author, which means for our little universe he's God. Anne: Oh, yeah. Jeff: Anyway, without further ado, our first song. [holds up a paper and reads] This is "Sanity," by Bad Religion. If you haven't heard of the song, it's because it's one of their older ones, and if you haven't heard of the band, it's because they're somewhat obscure. The song is on the album called "No Control", and was also re-released on "All Ages." [Jeff stands in an infinite gray plane, casting a long shadow. Close up of his watch -- it's face is completely blank and there are no hands.] There's a watch in my pocket and its hands are broken The face is blank but the gears are turning Confusion [The plane shatters, and he lands amid a large crowd of other students; he wanders around a bit] Is a fundamental state of mind It doesn't really matter what I'm figuring out I'm guaranteed to wind up in a state of doubt [he stops and slumps down, casting a long shadow on the lawn] And sanity is a full time job In a world that is always changing [The Nwei and Kaio fleets descend from above.] And sanity is a state of mind That you believe in Sanity [There is a short guitar solo, during which we see Iggy playing guitar.] There's a shadow on the wall where the paint is peeling My body's moving forward but my mind is reeling [Jeff leans against a wall at school, his eyes closed.] Depression Is a fundamental state of being It doesn't really matter how my day has turned out I always end up living in this world of doubt [Jeff arrives at home, and Ada runs up and glomps him.] And sanity is a full time job In a world that is always changing [Brief clips; Mittens transforms, P.Sun and P.Moon strike a pose] And sanity will make you strong If you believe in sanity [There is another, longer guitar solo, during which Iggy plays again, with a girl standing behind him; she has shoulder-length light brown hair, and is wearing jeans and an "Animaniacs" t-shirt.] And sanity is a full time job In a world that is always changing [Jeff looks on in disbelief. Cut back to Iggy, who give an innocent look and shrugs.] And sanity is a state of mind That you believe in [Jeff stands on the gray plane again, and starts yelling at the sky.] Sanity Amy: And now here's a song that I really like. It's the opening theme of the... [looks at paper] Second OAV Series of Tenchi Muyo! Anyway, it's called "Boku Wa Motto Paionia", or "I'm a Pioneer." This is the English version, by the way. [The song opens with a few bars of guitar stuff, during which, as with the original OP, we see views of space, starting with the Milky Way and finally reaching Earth, and then North America. As the vocals start, cut to Amy and Anne standing on top of the Foster residence's roof, looking wistfully at the sunset.] Can't you see that I am a pioneer Unlocking the greatest mysteries My key is the fearless heart so pure and strong [Jeff and Pao-Gui pull themselves onto the roof, and look at the sunset as well.] You can't be a hero hiding underneath your bed Got to live the life you create inside your head [Mittens climbs up, and jumps into Amy's arms. Ada hovers up using a jet pack and glomps Jeff.] So I opened the window caught the wind one night [As Bob comes up onto the roof as well, Diane opens a side window, and looks at the ladder in surprise.] Now I sail with the birds in their flight [Iggy, Janice, the rabbit-girl, and the raptor pop up as well.] Some will say you're safer here Never mind that, be a pioneer! [Pan across the group; everyone looks up at the sunset and smiles at least a little bit.] Can't you see that you are a pioneer [Mittens starts to glow red; everyone starts to get worried.] Not one of the endless talkers Who tell you the same old rules you've heard before [Amy tries to make a run for it.] We will be pioneers [The roof collapses in.] Forever more [Diane puts her hands on her hips, and glares at the group.] Jeff: And finally, this is the song that the author has told me he thinks best sums up the spirit of Interesting Times. To tell the truth, I hope he's wrong, but since he's the author, that's not too likely. It's called "Everything You Know Is Wrong," and it's from "Wierd Al" Yankovic's album, "Bad Hair Day." That's right, the one with "Amish Paradise" on it, amongst others. [Jeff is in the driver's seat of a car, looking very worried.] I was driving down the freeway in the fastlane with a rabid wolverine in my underwear when suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat poppped right up and puts his hands across my eyes [A pair of hands cover his eyes.] I guess is it Uncle Frank, or Cousin Louie, is Bob or Joe or Walter, Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve I probably woud've kept on guessing but about that time we crashed into the truck [there is a fantastic crash] And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt finally I recongnize the face of my hibachi dealer [Jeff recovers a little, and sees Amy, Anne, Janice, Pao- Gui, and Iggy lying there in a heap.] Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me [All of them form a line and sing along to the chorus, while Jeff looks confused.] Everything you know is wrong Black is white up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just for get the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong! [Cut to the kitchen of the Foster home; Jeff is getting breakfast.] I was walking to the kitchen for some Golden Grahms When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension [A dimensional portan opens up under his feet, and he falls down into a small dark room.] And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space Who kind of looked like Jamie Spar [Princess Aaino looks mover him; she then holds up her hands, which are covered by red rubber gloves.* The screen goes dark.] {*A reference to the TV movie "White Dwarf"...} They sucked out my internal organs And they took some polaroids and said I was a darn good sport [Jeff lies on the floor of the room, unconscious.] And as a way of saying thank you They offered to transport me back to any point in history that I would care to go And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night [Jeff reappears in his kitchen, with a letter sitting in front of him; a brief closeup reveals it to have been delivered by "Galaxy Express," and if you freeze-frame, you can see that the return address is "Emeror Atak, #1 Imperial Palace Drive, Nwei Prime, Beta Quadrant, 40985627843967847901647891489567"] So I could pay my phone bill on time Just then the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling [The Colonel, as seen in Project A-ko, phases through the wall behind him. Amy & Anne, and the rest of the cast pop up out of nowhere, and they all start singing.] Everything you know is wrong Black is white up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just for get the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong [There are a few solos; Iggy plays an accordion while frowning, Amy plays a clarinet, and Bob does the guitar.] I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin [Jeff opens the letter, and is holding the piece of paper when he gets a papercut.] When I got a nasty papercut And well, to make a long story short it got infected and I died [A purple mist surrounds him, and he vanishes.] So now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates [He appears at the court of Emperor Atak, who stands up and gives a hearty handshake] And it's obvious he doesn't like the neru jacket that I'm wearing [Atak looks at Jeff's UY t-shirt and frowns.] He tells me that they've got a dress code Well, he lets me into heaven anyway [Atak finally shrugs, and pats Jeff on the back.] But I get a room with a noisy ice machine for all eternity And every day he runs by screaming [While Jeff looks confused, everyone in the cast, including the Inklord, plus the Colonel again, pop up and start singing.] Everything you know is wrong Black is white up is down and short is long And everything you used to thing was so important doesn't matter Because the simple fact remains that Everything you know is wrong Just for get the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong Everything you know is wrong Everything you know is wrong! [Jeff wakes up from the terrible dream, sweating bullets.] [Cut back to the same stage. Jeff stands in front, with the rest of the cast behind him, and the Colonel barely visible behind them.] Jeff: Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for now. Ada: But we only did three songs! Jeff: True, but like I said, we're out of time. We hope you enjoyed this whole mess. This is the end of Volume 1 of Interesting Times, in any case. Iggy: But I thought Blackbird-sama did six parts per volume... Jeff: Well... you know how he is about that sort of thing. Only consistent if it suits him. Amy: But don't worry! We'll be back for the next volume in no time, beginning with Episode #8, "The Big Dance Everyone Wanted To Attend"! Ada: But what about the "Extra"? Anne: This whole episode was an "Extra." Bob: [steps to the front] Well, good night folks! [Fade out.] ------------------------------------------------------------------ Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney blackbird@blackbird.nu Blackbird's Domain http://www.blackbird.nu/ The Official Thrash Home Page http://thrash.blackbird.nu/ Knight Kevlar of the Immortal Frog Silver Knight of Mihoshi "Be nice to me; I might just develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo!" ------------------------------------------------------------------