IGNITION "Car Troubles" Episode 1 Written by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney EXT. BALCONY OF KENJI'S HOUSE - MORNING KENJI stands on the balcony of his house, holding a pink envelope that has his name on the front. He's a fairly tall, dark-haired teenager, currently wearing a T-shirt and jeans. He has an irritated, half-lidded expression. He regards the envelope significantly for a long moment. KENJI Time for me to move on. "Kenji's Life: Sakurai High" is over with and "Kenji: The College Years" premieres next month. (to the camera) Oh and by the way -- fanfiction should be read from a distance in a well-lit room. Well, maybe not from a distance, but you get the idea. He pulls out a cigarette lighter and sets fire to the envelope. He watches it burn for several seconds before realizing that the fire is rapidly approaching his fingers. He drops the envelope, then notices that he dropped it onto the wooden balcony, panics, and stomps the fire out. He looks down at the ashen heap of pink paper and scowls. KIMIKO pokes her head out of the window; she's a high school freshman with short hair, currently wearing denim shorts and a tank top. KIMIKO Hey, what the hell are you doing bro? Are you STILL wallowing in self-pity after all these months? (beat) Hey, isn't that...? KENJI NOTHING. KIMIKO (rolls eyes) And here I thought you'd be happy to be going to college and no parents for a whole year. KENJI Sadly that perfection has been marred by a certain little sister. KIMIKO Well, someone's gotta keep an eye on you. College guys can get pretty rowdy I hear. KENJI Do you really have nothing better to do? KIMIKO That's right! ^_^ Oh, and I was wondering, are you really going to take the train for 2 hours each way to get to and from school? That was the whole reason dad moved out you know. KENJI As it happens, I'm going to buy a car. KIMIKO Oh? Been saving up from that stupid part time job of yours have you? INT. SMALL RECORD STORE - DAY Kenji stands behind the counter of "Extreme CD Vision"; NAOKI is there too, sorting through a stack of CDs. Naoki is a fellow co-worker and wears the same polo shirt and black slacks as Kenji, but is a little shorter and with slightly longer hair. KENJI Of course. NAOKI The pay here really sucks. How're you going to manage that? KENJI Used car. NAOKI Ah. Figures you'd have to ride around in a piece of junk all the time. KENJI Figures _you'd_ have to walk around using only your feet all the time. NAOKI (glares) Figures you still wouldn't have found a new girlfr-- ACK! KENJI (grabbing Naoki by the collar) I'm not in the mood to deal with some whiny girl right now, okay? MIMI (O.S.) Then I guess you'll have to settle for me. MIMI has just walked into the shop; she is shorter than either of them, wearing coke-bottle glasses and a dumpy sweatshirt and jeans. Her hair is in a single long, thick braid. NAOKI Irasshaimase! MIMI (rolls eyes) You should know better than to provoke him by _now_ Naoki. (to Kenji) Looking for a used car, huh? KENJI And...? MIMI If you want to get something decent you'd better start looking soon. There's plenty of good deals in the classifieds. KENJI Did you actually come in here to buy some CDs? MIMI No I just like annoying you two. (to Kenji) Especially my future classmate. NAOKI (sarcastic) And just think; we're your best friends! MIMI ANYway -- I'm actually here because I found out about a scholarship for business majors. She hands a sheet of paper to him, which he takes and looks at. KENJI Oh... Thanks. MIMI Don't get so excited. NAOKI Remember who you're dealing with; he's down to two moods these days: bored and annoyed. KENJI (pointing at Naoki) Guess which one _he_ usually gets? MIMI (chuckles) Well, I have to go; I'll see you later Kenji-kun. EXT. STREET - AFTERNOON Kenji is walking down the street, scanning a section of a newspaper. He suddenly stops short. KENJI Honda Civic... 200,000 yen?! No way! Did they leave out a zero or something? Kenji pulls out his cell phone and dials. EXT. OUTSIDE AN APARTMENT COMPLEX - LATE AFTERNOON Kenji walks up to an apartment; as he reaches to knock on the door, a middle aged man flings the door open and Kenji absent mindedly hits the guy in the face as he continues knocking. MR. TANAKA Oi! What the hell are you doing?! KENJI (blink) For starters I may decide to buy your car. MR. TANAKA Oh! You're Asakawa! KENJI Right. So it's a Honda Civic? MR. TANAKA That's right. A 2001 model. Black. KENJI So what's wrong with it? MR. TANAKA (sweat drop) Wrong? What would be wrong? KENJI You're selling a 2001 Honda Civic for 200,000 yen and you expect me to believe that there's nothing wrong with it? Is the engine in bad shape or missing, or did you steal it from the local Secret Ninja Clan or get it from a dead Russian spy or what? MR. TANAKA It's *fine*! You can take it for a drive beforehand if you want! KENJI Then why's it so cheap? MR. TANAKA I... um... Need to get rid of it as soon as possible for... tax reasons. KENJI Whatever. Let's go for a ride. Mr. Tanaka nods eagerly and pulls out a key ring; on it is a key and a car remote, both of which glint in the late afternoon sunlight. EXT. KENJI'S DRIVEWAY - EVENING Cut to Kenji pulling into the driveway of his house that night. He looks up and notes that the lights are out in the house, and begins climbing out of the car. KENJI Of course. Kimiko complains that I'm being to irresponsible, and the day after mom and dad are gone she's disappearing all night. CAR KENJI Don't start with me. CAR KENJI What the...? CAR KENJI (kicks a tire) Whatever you're doing, stop before you wake up the neighbors. CAR <...hnk...> KENJI (suspiciously) Oh god... You can actually understand me? CAR KENJI (rolls eyes) How nostalgic. My life's going to hell like back in high school. CAR KENJI (sigh) Look, just stay here and be good. CAR KENJI I have to go to sleep. CAR KENJI You want me to set the alarm? CAR KENJI Whatever. It's not like anything'll happen in this boring neighborhood. He pulls out the key ring and presses the button on the remote. Nothing happens. CAR Kenji frowns and tries again. Finally he smacks the remote against his palm and tries yet again. This time the car is engulfed in red light. The car is seen as a silhouette, which twists and contorts, taking on a distinctly feminine shape. When the light fades, CIVIKO stands there, glancing around. She looks like a girl of average height, with short black hair and odd blue eyes. She wears a PVC shirt with the Honda logo on the front and a matching skirt. She has an orange spot on each cheek and a small steering wheel on the top of her head like a halo. CIVIKO Hi there! Are you my new owner? Civiko blinks as she realizes Kenji is facing away from her and muttering to himself. CIVIKO (CONT'D) Um... Excuse me? Kenji takes a deep breath, braces himself, and turns around. KENJI ... CIVIKO Hi! I'm Civiko. KENJI My car turned into a girl. CIVIKO Hai! Now can be with you all the time! KENJI My _car_ turned into a _girl_. CIVIKO Um... KENJI That old bastard must've been an Alumni of Sakurai High. CIVIKO Can I... ask your name? KENJI (sigh) Kenji. Asakawa Kenji. CIVIKO (blushing) Kenji-sama... Kenji frowns, points the remote at her, and presses the button. Nothing happens. KENJI Damn. CIVIKO Huh? Kenji-sama, is something wrong? KENJI My new car turned into a girl with a steering wheel on her head. What do you think? CIVIKO (sniffle) Meanie... KENJI Can you turn back? CIVIKO I dunno. (sniffle) KENJI Great. You're probably gonna be stuck like that, right? CIVIKO I... (sniffle) guess so... (sniffle) KENJI You okay? CIVIKO ... (sniffle) KENJI (sigh) WHAT? CIVIKO (pouty/crying; sniffles) ... KENJI I'm losing my patience here! CIVIKO (sniffle) KENJI-SAMA NO BAKA!!! Civiko runs off down the street. Kenji watches her for a long moment. KENJI (sigh) Unfortunately I can't afford another car. Kenji pauses to stretch his legs for a moment, then starts after her. Cut to Civiko as she runs out into an intersection; cars screech to a halt and she halts. The cars start honking their horns. CIVIKO I'm sorry! I didn't mean to--! MAN Get out of the road! Civiko blinks and hurries to the other side of the street. Kenji approaches the crosswalk; she looks at him from across the street with a hurtful expression on her face. He rolls his eyes and sighs. Civiko turns away from him, sits on the ground, and wraps her arms around her legs. When the signal changes, Kenji crosses the street and walks up behind Civiko. CIVIKO (sullenly) Go away. KENJI What're you doing? CIVIKO Go away! KENJI I can't do that. CIVIKO Why not? KENJI I... (sigh) I need you. CIVIKO (slowly turning around) R-really? KENJI You _are_ my car. CIVIKO Then why--? KENJI I've been high-strung lately, okay? It's not your fault. CIVIKO (slowly standing up, smiling) Kenji-sama...! KENJI Come on; let's head home. EXT. FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE - NIGHT Kenji and Civiko walk up to the front door of the house. Kenji is fumbling with his keys when he suddenly finds there is now plenty of light to see -- coming out of Civiko's eyes. KENJI That is disturbing. CIVIKO sorry... Kenji opens the door; he and Civiko step inside INT. FRONT HALL OF HOUSE Kenji closes the door behind him and turns around -- finding himself face to face with Kimiko. KIMIKO Woah! 'Niichan -- I thought you'd sworn off women for a while, and look what you brought home! KENJI Don't get any weird ideas. She's going to spend the night. On the couch. CIVIKO But-- KENJI There's blankets in the hall closet if you want. Kenji starts up the stairs. Civiko watches him disappointedly. Kimiko takes in her looks and smiles, shaking her head. KIMIKO I'm Kimiko, by the way. I'm his younger sister. CIVIKO I'm Civiko. KIMIKO Chibiko-chan, huh? Well, Kenji's been acting kinda weird these past few months. CIVIKO Really? KIMIKO Yep; his personality has done a major 180 since he broke up with his old girlfriend. CIVIKO Really? I bet he's lonely... KIMIKO (grin) Saaaay... If you wanna keep him company I can help you out. CIVIKO (brightening up) Really? How? KIMIKO Well, he usually locks his bedroom door these days. CIVIKO Why's that? Kimiko scratches at cheek with index finger, looks away. KIMIKO Wellll... I kinda had something to do with that. But anyway, even if it's locked I can show you another way in. (smiles) CIVIKO (extra-sparkly eyes) Thank you! INT. KIMIKO'S ROOM The two girls are in Kimiko's room. Kimiko opens the closet. KIMIKO (whispering) You can slip through here; there's a panel in the bottom left that comes off. CIVIKO (whispering) Thank you! INT. KENJI'S BEDROOM Kenji, still in his usual clothes, is sprawled on the bed. He stirs faintly and is still again. Civiko creeps up beside the bed, smiles to herself, takes a deep breath, and climbs in, under the covers. She lies there, smiling and blushing. CIVIKO (V.O.) I'm in heaven! Suddenly Kenji stirs in his sleep again, his knee jabbing into her side. Her face contorts and she yelps while covering her mouth. INT. KIMKO'S ROOM Kimiko is listening through the closet wall. KIMIKO (quietly; sighs) I should've guessed his sleeping habits haven't changed. INT. KENJI'S BEDROOM Civiko gently pushes the knee away, out of her side. Kenji suddenly turns on his side, facing away from her. Civiko slides over next to him. Things are quiet for a moment, and she smiles. Then he suddenly rolls over, half smooshing her. She wild-takes, but stays still. CIVIKO (V.O.) This is sort of nice, but... it kinda' hurts too... Kenji rolls over more, winding up on the other side of her. She scoots away a little and sighs. Kenji suddenly rolls over again, this time facing her. She looks at his face and smiles again. CIVIKO (V.O.) (CONT'D) He looks so sweet and peaceful like this. Civiko blushes, and starts pursing her lips and moving closer and closer to him. Her heart beats loudly as she moves closer, _almost_ ready to kiss him. KENJI (muttering in his sleep) Damn girls. He suddenly bends his torso and head forward, which smacks his forehead into Civiko's face. Civiko sits up, tears welling up in her eyes, and holds her nose. She stops short when she realizes he is gripping her skirt with both hands. KENJI (CONT'D) (muttering) Why? Civiko gasps when she realizes he's crying. She pauses for a moment, then begins to gently stroke his hair. Fade to black. FADE TO BLACK. EXT. KENJI'S HOUSE - MORNING KIMIKO (O.S.) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! INT - KENJI'S BEDROOM Kenji stirs in his bed. He blearily tries to open his eyes. KENJI (annoyed/semi-coherent) Whaaaat? KIMIKO Y-your car! Kenji blinks and sits up, and realizes that the Civic is parked next to him, half on the bed and half on the floor. KIMIKO (CONT'D) And where the hell is Chibiko?! KENJI Relax. There's a perfectly logical explanation for this. KIMIKO There is? KENJI And if I ever figure out what it is I'll tell you. KIMIKO But... I mean... What're you going to do? That thing can't have gone up the stairs or even through the window! CAR KENJI Quiet, you. CAR <...hnk.> KIMIKO Should... I try to call for help or something? KENJI No. I'll take care of this. KIMIKO Are you sure? KENJI I'm SURE. GET. OUT. KIMIKO (reluctantly leaving) Okay... When Kimiko is gone, Kenji stands up and turns to the car. KENJI Great. NOW look at you. CAR KENJI You change back when you sleep, don't you? CAR (sounds like "I dunno") KENJI I don't know which is more disturbing; that I'm in this situation or that I'm starting to understand you. CAR KENJI Right. Now what do we do? CAR Kenji rolls his eyes, picks up the remote, and presses the button. The car changes as before, leaving Civiko sprawled on the bed. She sits up. CIVIKO Good morning, Kenji-sama! Seeing his glare, she bows her head. Suddenly Kimiko rushes into the room. KIMIKO I KNEW something was up! KENJI (sigh) ...And? KIMIKO (to Civiko) Who are you, really? CIVIKO I'm Kenji-sama's car. KIMIKO Care to run that by me again? KENJI My CAR turns into a GIRL and I DON'T know why. CIVIKO I don't know what happened either... Civiko glomps Kenji, and he struggles to pry her off. KIMIKO (rolls eyes) And to think this is the guy who spent five months desperately trying to get Kyoko to notice him. KENJI I TOLD you not to mention that name. CIVIKO (plaintively) Kenji-samaaaaaa! KENJI WHAT?! CIVIKO I wanna go driving! KIMIKO I don't know how you get into this kind of mess all the time. KENJI I put this kind of crap behind me! KIMIKO Am I the only one here who finds this just a BIT disturbing? KENJI At the moment, yes. I'm finding it to be merely INTENSELY irritating. CIVIKO Kenji-sama-- KIMIKO But... I mean, it's... _impossible_! KENJI You said that about me getting a driver's license. KIMIKO Yeah, but then I was being sarcastic... _This_... CIVIKO Kenji-sa-- KENJI You also said that about me dating... _her_. KIMIKO Well that _did_ seem pretty far-fetched! CIVIKO Ken-- KENJI _That_ was nothing. Sakurai High is the prefecture's number one loony bin! It's the only high school in Japan that has a Black Magic Club! KIMIKO Okay so you've dealt with some weird people over the years, but I mean REALLY! KENJI You REALLY don't know what you're talking about! You know why I tried to change schools so many times? KIMIKO Why? CIVIKO Ummmmm... KENJI First there were the death threats from the Manga Club president, then the "experiments" from the so-called Science Fiction Club, then that STUPID curse courtesy of the Black Magic guys-- KIMIKO Curse? There's no such thing! KENJI There sure as hell is! For two DAMN WEEKS I got turned into a badger every time I tried to talk to a girl! MAGIC *IS* REAL, and the guys who use it are all ASSHOLES! KIMIKO Wow, you never told me about that... KENJI Of course not! You're a GIRL! CIVIKO Kenji-sama... KENJI WHAT?! CIVIKO I... think I can turn back into a car. CUT TO: EXT - DRIVEWAY The three of them stand in the driveway. KIMIKO So let me get this straight; you think the remote is what does it? Kimiko takes the remote out of Kenji's hand. KENJI Hey! Kenji's cell phone rings, playing Fur Elise. He scowls at Kimiko as he answers it. She shrugs and presses the button on the remote. Suddenly his cell phone is engulfed in a red glow. A few moments later he finds himself holding the hand of a GIRL with short blue hair wearing a blue and white plastic dress that has "NOKIA" written down the front; she has a curling cell phone antenna peeking out from behind one ear. She smiles at him expectantly. OVERHEAD VIEW OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD KENJI (CONT'D) DAMNIT! NOT ANOTHER ONE!!! FADE OUT.