I am a huge fan of John Hodgman, especially his trilogy of Complete World Knowledge (Areas, More, and All). Each of these books has a list of 700 names of something (Hoboes, Mole-Men, and Ancient and Unspeakable Ones respectively), and I thought it would be fun to write a list of 700 catgirl names. I was wrong. Writing this list was a terrible idea that took several months and left my brain feeling as though someone had grabbed it and scraped out every last bit of goop they could possibly get out, and then just kept on scraping. And then I was at around 500 names. Since I actually did this thing, I have no choice but to share it with you, because that’s just how things work.
Cat people (or homo felis) are one of many types of variant humans found all over the world, though female cat people, colloquially known as “catgirls,” have a distinct mystique about them. (Dog-girls especially tend to resent this. The bitches.) This is in part because of a reputation for feline sensuality, though it’s difficult to comment on such matters without descending into the realm of stereotypes. Anyone who has ever dealt with housecats can tell you that cats are goofy, scrabbling little creatures whose attempts at grace and dignity only serve to make their frequent freakouts that much more hilarious. Catgirls look like baseline humans apart from having cat ears on top of their heads (though these ears are actually more triangular than those of cats) and cat tails. They have certain feline quirks in their physiology—including a susceptibility to catnip—but are basically human. Anyone who’s dealt with humans for any length of time can tell you that despite all the literature and appeals to a noble higher nature and such, humans are at least as ridiculous creatures as cats. Fortunately catgirls do not have the combined ridiculousness of both species, as that would create a Silliness Singularity that would presumably cause the universe to collapse while creating a deafening raspberry sound.
Cat people come in every bit as much variety as any other type of human. There are cat people throughout the world, and thus there are cat people of virtually every human race and culture, though they are especially numerous in America and Japan. We have not yet devised a simple and effective term for a Japanese schoolgirl who is also a catgirl, but a dedicated group of fanboys have been experimenting with bibliomancy techniques to create one. It is believed that cat people have some fae heritage, but that’s just stupid. Unlike catgirls, faeries aren’t real. Duh.
Variant humans do have a certain tendency to form enclaves, and northern California is home to several of these, including Neko Machi, a large city whose population is about 70% cat people. (I’ve heard rumors that there is another dimension where Neko Machi has no cat people and is called “San Jose,” but I find that a rather dubious claim.) This is a list of 700 catgirl names pulled from the female cat people who have lived in Neko Machi at one time or another, and it reflects some of this city’s diversity. Many cat people have names derived from feline themes that can seem silly or trite, though of course most cat people take their own names fairly seriously. The fate of the word “pussy” in American slang has become something of a sore spot among catgirls, though names like “Kitty” and “Katherine” are nonetheless very popular, presumably because cat people feel a certain spite towards their children.
- Catty Earscratch, kind of an attention whore.
- Emily Cheddar Peterson, a college student.
- Priscilla Longtail, who hates rocking chairs.
- Keiko Maneki, a greeter.
- Valerie Katz, head of the project to catch that red dot once and for all.
- Buffy Mousebane, actually very friendly to mouse people.
- Anne Mousefriend, a dreaded hunter.
- Anastasia Francesca Felinopolus, a fry cook.
- Christine Catlumbus, a misguided explorer.
- Alissa Softpaws, a housewife.
- The Catgirl Formerly Known as Princess
- Scottie McDuff, who has droopy ears.
- Chat Noir, a femme fatale.
- Kitty Cat, a baseline human in a cunning disguise.
- Octavia Sharpclaws, who distinguished herself in the Cat-Dog War of 2009.
- Catty Hillman, a single office worker.
- Cat Stephen, who prefers to be known by her feline name of Mrowwww-hisssss.
- Mao Mao Li, an onomatopoeic communist.
- Sandy Beaches, a janitor.
